SXSW Review: YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR FAMILY (BEING FRANK): A Tour Of Toxic Masculinity

I’ve been a long time fan of Jim Gaffigan, catching him by chance on late night television many moons ago, so when I saw that he was the star of You Can Choose Your Family (update 2019: now titled Being Frank) screening at SXSW, it jumped to the top of my watchlist. I was lucky enough to catch a screening with both Jim Gaffigan and director Miranda Bailey in attendance, as well as co-stars Daniel Rashid and Isabelle Phillips, and composer Craig Richey.

Subtly set in the 90s, You Can Choose Your Family follows 17-year-old Phillip (Logan Miller) dealing with typical teen rebellion issues. This is complicated when he finds out that his father Frank’s (Gaffigan) mysterious best friend “Richie” (whose children Phillip is constantly compared to by Frank) is actually one element of a complex made-up story hiding Frank’s double life, complete with a second family.

A comedy of errors ensues as the father and son pair square off against each other while also both attempting to maintain the farce, supposedly protecting Phillip’s mother and Frank’s wife Laura, played by Anna Gunn, and his sister Lib (Emerson Tate Alexander) as well as wife number 2, Bonnie, played by Samantha Mathis, and her two children Eddie (Gage Polchlopek) and Kelly (Isabelle Phillips).

Logan Miller and Gaffigan have a wonderful chemistry together, which serves to elevate the comedy between the two. Newcomers Isabelle Phillips and Daniel Rashid keep pace with the far more experienced actors, but Emerson Tate Alexander tends to steal a few scenes with her hilarious turn as an extremely socially motivated young child. Both Anna Gunn and Samantha Mathis do an excellent job in getting the viewer to relate to and care for their characters despite relatively little screen time. In particular, Anna Gunn’s moment of solitary anguish after she discovers the astronomical lie that her life has been is heartbreaking.

A Lighthearted Romp Through Manipulation

You Can Choose Your Family is first and foremost a comedy. At this, it succeeds fairly well. Gaffigan gives a solidly funny and nuanced performance. He hasn’t really been known for his film work, but I think he’s been overlooked and perhaps seeing him handle a difficult character like Frank – the flaws in the character, as well as the film, have nothing to do with performance – will bolster him as a character actor. As a side note, Gaffigan starred in a little-seen ensemble film from 2005 called The Great New Wonderful and was excellent, so it’s about time for a lead in my opinion.

Because of this lighthearted tone, the film mostly steers away from the real weight of the situation, instead focusing on the humor that can be derived out of it. I definitely laughed my way through and generally found the experience of watching the film enjoyable. However, I was left with this nagging feeling afterward which I can only attribute to the film’s psychological irresponsibility. The majority of the film features Frank and his son Phillip conspiring together to keep up the lie of Frank’s double life. Phillip’s initial motivation is to blackmail his father into allowing him to attend NYU, though he quickly gives that up and instead seems to be helping him simply to bond with his father.

This motivation is by no means unrealistic, but it is extremely toxic. Despite uncovering his father’s many, many lies and deceits, and in doing so being justifiably upset and occupying the higher ground, Frank convinces Phillip to help him and worse, he convinces Phillip that it’s better for everyone involved. Worse still, much of the comedy is derived out of this, including the ‘oh-so-hilarious’ one-sided flirtations between Phillip and his entirely oblivious half-sister Kelly (incest is funny, right?).

Phillip’s journey of self-discovery as he spends time with his father’s second family is important, but his reaction to what he learns makes little sense to me. After spending years hearing his father compare him to “Richie’s” children (who were actually his father’s other children) and then finally meeting them only to discover that Frank has done the exact same thing to them, Phillip’s allegiance to his father rather than his similarly betrayed mother and siblings strikes me as bizarre.

Approval of Toxic Masculinity

Though You Can Choose Your Family attempts to condemn Frank’s actions as a manipulator, his character is given a lot of sympathy and leeway – too much, in my opinion. The tone is lighthearted and rompish, but that shouldn’t prevent the film from portraying the true villainy of Frank’s character. He is instead shown as a generally good man unable to make a difficult decision who therefore lived a double life for seventeen years, utterly betraying everyone he claimed he was trying to protect.

The film does attempt to tackle this toxic and privileged attitude in a couple scenes. First, there is a confrontation of sorts between the father and son, where Phillip proclaims to hate his father. He is actually saying this to a “Richie” stand-in (Alex Karpovsky) brought in to further fool Bonnie, Eddie, and Kelly. Fake Richie later tells Phillip that his father is a coward, and this feels meaningful. However, from this point, Phillip continues to help with his father’s lies for the same supposed reasons as his father, making himself a coward right along with Frank.

The second scene where the toxic masculinity is attacked (and far more successfully) is later in Frank’s hospital room. Here, a confrontation between Frank and Bonnie and their children ends with Bonnie spitefully proclaiming that she can’t possibly forgive Frank because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. They then leave him alone with his mistakes and it feels like the film might have a fitting end for the master manipulator.

However, this is undone in the final scene, where it’s revealed that not only are Frank and Phillip still on good terms, they have actually been brought closer together. The film never addresses that they were brought together by manipulating their own family(ies). Frank’s daughters won’t speak to him, but his son is on great terms with him. We don’t know the situation with his other son, Eddie. You Can Choose Your Family tacitly approves of the horrible manipulation and control by Frank throughout, and my hopes for Phillip’s future as a man aren’t bright.

You Can Choose Your Family: Conclusion

Despite good performances – again, Gaffigan does everything he can to layer his character, it just seems misplaced within the structure for this particular character to end up where he does – the film doesn’t quite reach its potential. Given how far sexual politics have evolved, you’d hope to see a stronger condemnation of the privileged attitude exuded by Gaffigan’s character. And let’s not mince words, it is privilege for this man to simply assume that he can live two lives of lies and believe that this is the best for all involved.

Despite efforts by Bailey and screenwriter Glen Lakin to give the women of You Can Choose Your Family their due, it still feels like they end up shortchanged and the men who have been manipulating them end up triumphant.

You Can Choose Your Family screened at SXSW 2018 and will be released theatrically later this year.