Fun Time VHS Bonanza #1: BLACK COBRA

In the “Fun Time VHS Bonanza!” series I will be visiting my local thrift shop and pick up the most obscure VHS tape possible. The article will then be a self-reflective essay about the nuances and feelings that I get from the film. This week: Black Cobra.

Few decades were as important as the 1980’s. Ronald Reagan was elected into office, MTV was at the height of its popularity, and everybody had really terrible haircuts. The eighties were also the renaissance of exploitation films, of which were known for their low budgets and their equally low quality. This was a time America looked upon fondly. Giving birth to the modern Grindhouse films (Planet Terror, Death Proof, Machete, etc.), Exploitation films became a staple of shady drive-in theaters – drawing people in with hyper-violence and cool-talking men in leather jackets. This is no different for the seminal ’87 classic: Black Cobra.

Thanks for rewinding

Boasting a cover that looked like an early Frank Miller Photoshop draft, Black Cobra called to me from the murky corners of my local thrift shop. Located underneath three copies of Jerry Maguire, I could tell the years weren’t very kind to this art film – its edges chipped off their cardboard. At least the previous owner was kind enough to rewind.

Immediately after entering the VHS into the player, my wall was graced with static – my speakers shouting a disturbing crackle. Fearing that I had stumbled upon a snuff film, I reached for the Stop button, only to see the trailer for a movie called: Black Spring Break. Let me say that if you spend half of your film’s trailer describing all of the famous music artists on your soundtrack, then maybe you should probably have spent money on actual writers.

Black Cobra opens on the most underused skyline shot in film history, dropping us in the throes of a hostage situation at a community pool. Why were there armed gunmen at a community pool? And why are there only three police officers standing outside? These questions go unanswered as a trench-coat wearing Fred Williamson kills all three assailants with minimal effort. Obvious to even the most inattentive viewer, the dramatic camera zooms indicate that Fred Williamson will be the hero that this world needs – not the one it deserves.

The villains: leather jackets and sunglasses

The villains of this movie have no established motive for being evil whatsoever, leaving us to believe that men in leather jackets are the real scourge to our nation. Donning sunglasses at night, this biker gang’s sole purpose seems to be: 1. Hang out under a bridge all night. 2. Hurt people. The 80’s were a very good time for character development and story arc, as you can see.

The whole film seemed to follow suit in its complete disregard for having anything interesting whatsoever. The only improvement on the acting performances could have possibly been replacing everybody with actual live cobras. Imagine a cobra riding a motorcycle wearing a leather jacket. Now imagine a cobra with a gun. The film writes itself.

I wish I could’ve enjoyed Black Cobra. I usually am a big fan of eighties crime schlock, but unfortunately the movie was too dreadfully boring to be anything outside of a forgotten TV re-run. At the very least, we can thank the heavens that Hollywood is original enough to avoid this film and instead create more original, newer properties.

Just kidding, there’s three sequels and apparently a planned reboot on the way. God help us all.

Had you ever heard of Black Cobra, or have you seen it? What are some other awful 80’s movies that you’ve seen and remember fondly (or not)?

(top image: Black Cobra – source: L’Immagine S.r.l.)