THE VELOCIPASTOR: The Poster Might Be The Best Part…

The VelociPastor is a comedy/horror flick that spends more of its time attempting to spoof action and horror films than on its own plot. The conflict revealed in the last few minutes is rather intriguing, yet it takes 70-sometimes-excruciatingly-bad-minutes to get there. The VelociPastor may be attempting to be a cult-favorite “B-movie” but it’s unclear how much of the “bad” in this film is actually intentional: is it trying-to-make-something-and-failing like The Room or intentionally-so-bad-it’s-so-good like Kung Fury?

I would argue the former.

How Much is Too Much?

The comedy is hit-or-miss for a film seeking to mock the genres it inhabits and perhaps the issue is that there are too many genres being targeted. Is it horror, science-fiction, fantasy, action, or romance films that it’s satirizing? There are too many plot-lines vying for attention, too many characters we’re supposed to care about, and a cheesy romance that makes one groan.

Of all the elements, the cheesy romance was the best spoof: a priest falls in love with a “scandalous woman” who needs saving, as all women in films need saving. Carol – played by Alyssa Kempinski – is a sex worker under Frankie Mermaid, a ridiculous pimp who explodes cars and laughs maniacally. Doug, the priest played by Greg Cohan, is alarmed that he may have slept with her when he is supposed to maintain a celibate lifestyle. Naturally, they fall in love and the desire to remain chaste is thrown out the window.

Not Everything is a Feature

Perhaps the biggest issue I have is with the length of the film: I believe it could have delivered the spoof qualities more effectively as a short without pulling itself in too many directions with random plot lines. Had one primarily storyline been focused on with hints to other storylines, this could have been a succinct and humorous 15-25 minutes.

For example, if there was more focus on the drug scheme which wraps up the film it could have provided a better opportunity to learn more about the “lizard warriors” that used to exist on Earth. I say this because the leader of the drug scheme is familiar with the “lizard warriors” but no one knows anything until he reveals that at the end of the film. This would still allow Doug and Carol’s relationship to develop and could be done in under a half hour.

How to View It

Ultimately, VelociPastor seems to be a spoof horror and had I been under the influence of mind-altering drugs during the screening, I may have enjoyed it. Or maybe it’s just the type of film you watch Mystery Science Theater 3000-style with a handful of popcorn to toss at the screen and your own joke-filled commentary. Or maybe, just maybe, this is the only kind of comedy film that I do not enjoy.

Did you watch The VelociPastor? What do you think? Interested to watch it?

Watch The VelociPastor