TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: Leave Your Childhood At The Door

I am a member of a generation that covets nostalgia more than any that has come before it. The Internet allows us to relive our childhood memories whenever we wish. It can be comforting to look back at the cartoons you watched as a kid or be reminded of that candy you loved that has since been discontinued. But with this new power to look back, it has become difficult for some people to move forward.

When exploring this phenomenon as it relates to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, let’s first go over the simple nature of said turtles:

1. They are teenagers. When you look at the history of young heroes, and even more so in today’s pop culture, they are meant to appeal to children, adolescents, and young adults. That is the target demographic.
2. They are mutants. These are animals that have been scientifically manipulated and can now speak, walk on two legs, and do things like drive cars. That’s what we are dealing with.
3. They are ninjas. It is at this point that you begin to see how hilarious this concept is. Teenage. Mutant. Ninjas. I don’t think children are supposed to take this idea too seriously, let alone grown men and women.
4. They are turtles. Ya know, the animals know most for being really slow? Now they are ninjas.

I loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid. I still think the team is a fun idea that could be made into a movie that would be entertainment for all ages. I do not, however, have any stake in how the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are represented now or in the future. Ever since the reveal of the “new look” turtles in this Michael Bay-produced reboot, many grown-ups—people with jobs and children and mortgages—have been outraged at the way their “childhoods have been raped.”  No one would ever mistake me for the most mature guy there is, but I have better things to do than worry about the way a group anthropomorphic turtles, trained in the art of ninjutsu, are portrayed to a new generation of moviegoers.

This movie was a failure from the word “go” in the minds of old school fans of the original live action trilogy. The second they saw Michelangelo’s character design in the very first teaser trailer, they had given up on it. There is no reason to connect this new movie to previous iterations of the “heroes in a half shell” (turtle power!). People need to let movies be judged on their own merits. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a pretty bad movie, but it isn’t because of the reasons you will see on message boards or comment sections. It isn’t because of a disagreement with your dumb childhood. My generation should stake no claim in the beloved turtles. Instead, let a movie be what it is, especially when it is a movie about talking turtles.

I Won’t Tell If You Don’t

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is pretty bad, yes. But it is not the disaster so many people would have you believe. In fact, I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to go see it. It actually has an impressive set-piece or two, including a very good sequence with the turtles zooming down a snow covered mountain, and some genuinely funny moments. That said, there will be a moment in the middle of the movie (maybe the point where Michelangelo makes a boner joke?) that you will begin to question what the hell you are doing in the theater.

There are times you will be entertained, times you will shake your head in disappointment, and times where you will be looking at your watch, wondering why the last 15 minutes has felt like 45. It is an interesting movie in that you see its potential but there is always a moment (a terrible fart joke, Michelangelo’s non-stop horn-dog attitude towards Megan Fox, etc.) that brings the movie crashing back down to earth. It is a movie that Mystery Science Theater 3000 would have a field day with. It is hilariously bad at some points, but has enough entertaining gears working behind it to make it frequently engaging enough to work on its own.

Hard on the Eyes, Hard on the Ears

The turtles have always been one-dimensional characters, but it has worked for them, and it mostly works for them here. There is Leonardo the leader, Raphael the rebel bad boy, Donatello the nerd, and Michelangelo the comic relief. These dynamics limit character development, but they give them concrete identities that don’t over-complicate the proceedings. Aside from Michelangelo’s non-stop quest to get into Megan Fox’s pants, the turtles, as well as Master Splinter, are fun enough and written well enough for them to work in the movie’s favor; that is, until you look at them and listen to them. More over-designed characters you will not find anywhere.

There is a clear effort to make the turtles “grittier” but it is to the detriment of the movie as a whole. Leonardo has a bizarre chest piece and a NYC button. Raphael is a ‘roided out monster (about twice the size of any other turtle). Donatello is basically a one-man intelligence agency with night vision goggles, a microphone, a camera, and an entire generator on his person at all times. Michelangelo rocks sunglasses and a beaded necklace, for good measure. It is distracting more than anything else.

As for what is underneath these accessories: the turtles really don’t look that bad—three of them anyway. Every time Michelangelo was onscreen, I felt an intense urge to look away. The film’s villain, Shredder, is equally over-designed with hilariously oversize extendable razors extending from his hands and too many robotic features. You will notice constant use of technology that takes away from the mutant abilities of the movie’s protagonists.

In addition to being a little tough to look at, the voice acting in the movie leaves much to be desired. The delivery of lines is a tad off throughout the movie and there is no real emotion in any of the performances. With movies like Dawn of the Planet of the Apes raising the bar on computer-animated characters, it is really disappointing to see a group of characters like the turtles.

As For The Story…

I have made it this far without even going into the plot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That is because it really doesn’t make any sense. All you really need to know is that Megan Fox is basically the most important person in New York and is connected to the origins of every single important character in the story. She raised the turtles and saved them when she was young, not knowing they would grow up to be ninjas. Her father worked with William Fichtner’s character, who is Shredder’s right hand man in a plot to gain immense wealth by… killing millions of people in New York City?

The plan is to release a gas and then sell the antidote to the government. Clearly, the villains have jumped from point A to point W without thinking about B through V. There are inconsistencies in the turtle’s abilities (we first see them tossing around shipping containers, but later they cannot punch through 8 inch glass) but the fight scenes are generally good. Will Arnett provides some solid comic relief at times and there are real laughs to be had. But there is too much that takes away from the fun, which is a shame.

Conclusion

There are enough lighthearted moments in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to make you stick around and not hate yourself for watching. There is a pretty good movie buried underneath all of the self-serious crap and ridiculous-looking characters. Parts of the movie are actually very strong, but with poor performances and a half-baked plot, it lacks the foundation to create anything worthwhile.

My suggestion: go to dinner, have a beer or six with your friends, and head to the theater to have a great time making fun of the bad parts but still enjoying the good ones. And remember to leave your childhood at the door. These aren’t the turtles you know, but you can’t hold that against them (except maybe against Michael Bay—you can hold anything against Michael Bay).

What did you think of the new Ninja Turtles? Did your childhood memories create preconceived notions about the movie?