STREAM: Running Dial-up At Best

There’s nothing I enjoy more than a horror movie that is so bad that it becomes good again. The stars align and the fact that it is awful is exactly what makes it great. Everyone is running on all cylinders and the camp factor, the cheesy dialogue, the predictability, the generic music, and the bad camera moves all add up to make it something truly special, a sparkly turd. A fun ride that you can take with friends if for no other reason than to laugh at, and point out its glaring mistakes. It takes a lot to get to that point, not every bad horror movie can achieve such a cult like untouchable status. I would say that the sparkly turd is just as rare as the perfect ten when it comes to horror. Both have to be very special in their own ways. Stream, is somewhere in the middle, meaning, its so bad, that its actually just bad.

Written by Michael Leavy, Jason Leavy, Robert Privitera, and Steven Della Salla, directed by Michael Leavy, Stream actually managed to put together a pretty great cast featuring some heavy hitters of horrors past. Names like Dee Wallace, Danielle Harris, Tony Todd, Tim Curry (he’s never actually in the film but his name is in the credits and poster), Daniel Roebuck, and David Howard Thornton, though most of the big names are killed off quickly or in Todd‘s case get about 30 seconds at the end of the overly long movie. No, unfortunately no amount of horror star power could save what was written on the page, it was doomed.

You Can Checkout Any Time You Like

The movie begins with a dysfunctional family (because of course it does) and a daughter being brought home by the cops. The mother (played by Danielle Harris) decides that it’s a good time for the family to take a little vacation to get away from everything and reset the mood. The father in this situation is played by Charles Powell, the daughter in question by Sydney Malakeh, and her littler brother by Linden Porco. They arrive at The Pines, a seedy looking little hotel, and from the moment they are checking in Mr. Lockwood (Jeffrey Combs) starts making everything awkward and weird. Something was clearly very wrong there, we would know that even if we hadn’t witnessed a murder in the opening scene.

The acting in this film, from literally everyone involved, was like something you would see in a high school production of Cats. It was just bad, phoned in at best, post carded in at worst. The only performance that held any weight came from Todd and like I said, he was only in the last 30 seconds of the film. The art direction was uninspired, the lighting was weird and the camera that was chosen, although clear, gave the movie a very soap opera look. It was very daytime TV. In fact, that’s kind of what the whole gory experience was like, if Days Of Our Lives suddenly became a bloody, pull no punches, horror show, it would be this film. Maybe I’m slowly talking myself into liking it? Am I starting to get it? No, I don’t think that is the case.

But You Can Never Leave

In the end I think the real horror of this film came from sitting through the two hours of thin plot and bad acting. No amount of blood or cool gory effects could save Stream from itself. None of the characters were people you would want to root for, plot twists were seen from five miles away, and the forcing of the narrative made watching seem like an exorcise in self torture. Most of the people involved in this movie have made other very great films, in the horror genre and others. This was a huge miss for everyone. Do yourself a favor and pick one of their many collective wins.

I like to go into a movie with an open mind and I treated this no differently. I wanted it to be good, I wanted everyone to succeed but the “lock everyone up and stream the horrible consequences” trope has been done several times and all of them better. This movie was as if Hostile was being remade, set in a hotel, and the viewers were betting with crypto. I’m sure there are people out there who would watch this and find it completely original and entertaining, and to those people I say, I’m happy for you. Entertainment can be hard to come by, don’t let me harsh your vibe (as the kids say), it just wasn’t for me. If any of this does however sound like something you would be into, I know there’s at least one out there, Stream is currently streaming on Amazon Video, Apple TV, and Fandango AT Home.