Queerly Ever After #58: LONGHORNS (2011)

Queerly Ever After is a bi-monthly column where I take a look at LGBT+ films that gave their characters a romantic happily-ever-after. There will be spoilers. Also, don’t forget to buy your Queerly Ever After merch right here.

Have you ever been watching porn and thought to yourself, you know I really love the set-up scenes and not the pornography part, if only someone made a movie where they took a porn script and cut out all the explicit sex. Well, have I got the movie for you: Longhorns. This movie can best be described as amateur pornless-porn. While you may see a few (4) penises head-on (pun intended) all of the sex scenes are shot modestly, if not with truly awful lighting.

Everyone knows the acting and plot-lines in an actual porno are cringe-inducingly bad, but you power through them (or fast-forward) to get to the real reason you’re watching. Unfortunately, there is no reward for slogging through this. I thought to myself many times while watching this, am I actually watching a soft-core porno? Is this a movie? As it would turn out, one of the supporting actors in this, Dylan Vox, did in fact have an illustrious career in gay porn, performing under the name Brad Benton. He even starred in the 2007 stage play Debbie Does Dallas, which probably explains all the Debbie Does Dallas jokes in this movie.

Ride ’em Cowboy

Set in the 1980s, Longhorns centers around Texan college student Kevin (Jacob Newton). He’s a red-blooded, all-American, heterosexual male. At least, he really wants to prove to himself that he’s heterosexual. It becomes harder for him to maintain that ruse when he meets new student, Cesar (Derek Villanueva), who is openly gay. Kevin finds himself drawn to Cesar, and one day, after asking if he can draw Cesar nude for a class assignment (see, this really does sound like a porn set-up) they begin to make out. Kevin freaks out and tells Cesar to leave. To get away from his confusing feelings, Kevin escapes for the weekend with his buds Steve (Vox) and Justin (Kevin Held) to a log cabin. There, the men do stereotypically manly things like drink beer and masturbate together. But they do not jerk each other off, that would be gay.

Eventually, after Kevin offers to get Steve off with his hand, Steve tells him he needs to accept his sexuality. He returns to campus and reunites with Cesar. There, that is the entire plot of this movie. I really wish I never watched Longhorns, there’s nothing redeeming about it. The acting is flat, the lighting is awful, honestly who wrote this script (David Lewis)?

In Conclusion: Longhorns

This movie is terrible. There really isn’t that much else to say. It’s barely even a movie. To be honest, if you want to see a lot of penises on screen there are much better outlets to do so than by watching this movie.

Longhorns premiered at the Frameline Film Festival on June 25, 2011. For all other release dates, see here.

Watch Longhorns