MPAA, Studios Fund 12-Step Programs For Women Directors (PARODY)

By Maria Giese

The MPAA chairman Chas Hartman called the heads of the six major studios to an intimate dinner Thursday night to discuss new changes the U.S. entertainment industry must face in the digital age.  Under the shroud of darkness, the head of the Motion Pictures Association of America (MPAA) and leaders from Disney, Universal, Paramount, Fox, Sony and Warner Bros. made a key decision to establish wide-spread 12-step recovery programs for women directors, a source said.

The primary revelation to emerge from the recent North Korean Sony hacking scandal was that women directors are unlawfully shut out from the directing profession, and women across the board from stars to staffers receive lower pay than men in equivalent jobs. For the first time in 93 years, studio heads agreed unanimously with the MPAA to fund an unprecedented new effort to help support women in overcoming their compulsions to direct film and television.

In a major move, Hartman and Sony Pictures CEO Tom Layton teamed up to spearhead the development of hundreds of new 12-step recovery centers in Los Angeles and across the nation dedicated to serving the specific needs of women who believe for various reasons that, according to Title VII, they share the right to contribute their voices to America’s entertainment industry. The content produced by Hollywood studios is our nation’s most influential global export and some women argue that, as 51% of the U.S. population, the female perspective matters.

Layton spoke resolutely, saying “It’s long past the time we studio leaders step up to the plate and provide decent support to American women who need to recover from their grandiose obsession to compete with men in a field they are naturally ill-equipped to handle.”

Hartman followed with a pledge to dedicate millions of dollars per year to building and staffing 12-step recovery centers for women directors, as well as opening thousands of public spaces to self-run meetings for women based on the time-tested model of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Disney chairman Jim Sandborn articulated the magnitude of the problem by explaining how thousands of women DGA members and non-member directors alike have been driven to destitution, homelessness, and despair through humoring decades-long illusory hopes of directing studio features.

“There will always be a place for a small percentage of women directors willing to work for free in documentaries and the indie sector and we applaud that,” he said, “but outside of a handful of millionairess pop and movie stars, there really is no room for women in studio features.”

Hartman stated that he was grateful to have found a solution to the “woman problem” since recent threats of a class action lawsuit on behalf of female directors had begun to strain studio legal departments whose resources are already stretched thin fighting serious looming concerns such as hacking and piracy which could cut deeply into the pocketbooks of industry leaders and players.

Hartman was pleased to announce that he fully expects to receive additional support from newcomer digital players like Netflix, Amazon, and Apple, as well as indie studios Weinstein Company, Lionsgate, and Relativity which have also succeeded in keeping women directors shut out for decades.  Hartman assured studios that he may lower the $20 million dollar annual fee each studio pays to the MPAA for lobbying in Washington, since additional players will now contribute as well.

“None of these players,” said Hartman, “is interested in hiring women directors, so the problem will just keep growing unless we help women adjust to reality.”  The new 12-step program for women directors will be headquartered in Washington DC where the MPAA has long been based, just yards from the White House, and in close proximity to lobbyists, congressmen, and the executive office.

Warner Bros head Colin Hajiwa weighed in with a personal anecdote about several women whose lives he said had been ruined by their aspirations to direct. “They say it’s one day at a time for them. The compulsion to direct is triggered so often and so unexpectedly— just reading a few pages of Murasaki or short story by Mishima might set them off. They need sponsors, a fellowship, and meetings to attend when the temptations to create cinema grow too strong.”

Tom Laytom agreed with an uncharacteristic burst of emotion: “I see so many of them, even in my own family, just playing with their children or hearing a song—anything could trigger the rash compulsion to make a film. It’s irresponsible not to provide a resource so these women may submit to a higher power and recognize that for them directing is simply not the will of God or Hollywood.”

Disclaimer: This parody is not based on real events.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.  And no animals were hurt during writing.

Originally Posted on February 8, 2015