JUNGLE CRUISE: How Is It This Bland?

My instant emotional reaction after finishing Jungle Cruise is confusion. I am confused as to how a plot involving the Amazon and magical objects, with such a throwback to classics like the Indiana Jones series, could be this bland. I am confused as to how a movie this big and expensive, with two of the most charismatic actors working today, can be this dull. Last but certainly not least, I am confused as to why an adventure film like this would so heavily champion a Metallica song. No, we are not in Haunted Mansion territory on this one, but let me assure you, we are far away from the fun that is Pirates of the Caribbean.

Our Baffling Leads, Caught in a Baffling Plot

Poor Emily Blunt spends this entire movie looking like she’s stuck between ‘The Rock’ and a hard place. She plays Dr. Lily Houghton, a strong-willed scientist on a quest to find the Tree of Life, whose healing powers could revolutionize modern medicine. Dragged along the ride is her brother McGregor (Jack Whitehall), who would rather stay in a luxurious hotel with a nice bath and endless servings of tea and liquor. Together, they enlist the help of Frank Wolff (Dwayne Johnson), a steamboat captain with an endless supply of puns, to take them across the Amazon to find the Tree of Life.

That description may sound simple to you, but that is because I didn’t even include the threads that involve Jesse Plemons as a villainous German prince and a group of cursed conquistadors led by Édgar Ramírez. Frankly, a lot of Jungle Cruise’s plot is gobbledygook. So much of it is our characters needing to get a thing that is crucial to unlock another thing but then there’s a riddle on it that explains the only time the thing can be opened by the other thing.

Halfway into the film, I just stopped caring. In fact, part of me thinks the actors don’t care about the plot either – I have never seen Blunt and Johnson this unenthusiastic or phony. The two of them not only have zero chemistry throughout this ordeal, but they act like they are in two completely different movies and were never filmed together at the same time on set.

Blunt and Johnson are two of the most charming actors working today. When the material is great, their charisma oozes out effortlessly. Films like Into the Woods, Edge of Tomorrow, and Mary Poppins Returns prove that Blunt has the energy and the instincts. As for Johnson, his Jumanji films, vocal performance in Moana, and substantial contribution to the Fast and Furious films are incredible achievements. Even his more forgettable titles like San Andreas, Rampage, and Skyscraper demonstrate a considerable amount of dedication and commitment in his performances. For the first time in my experience watching him, I found a movie where Dwayne Johnson looked like he didn’t want to be there.

Then the Plot Thickens

And then the script takes a massive head-scratching turn, and Jungle Cruise just becomes a hodge-podge of many other adventure films like National Treasure, Pirates of the Caribbean, and The Mummy (1999), except it rushes through (or completely ignores) the components that made those films excel.

Plemons’ character is on the search for the Tree himself and is trying to get there before our heroes do, except he has no sense of history or correlation with the two leads. He is essentially Sean Bean from National Treasure if he never spoke to Nicolas Cage.

But the biggest miss is Ramírez as Aguirre, who leads a group of cursed mercenaries that look like rejected concept art designs from Davy Jones’ crew. Despite their action scenes and choreography being unique to their design, they play little to no role in the overarching plot, nor do they carry any real sense of threat or urgency. Pirates would pit the great Captain Jack Sparrow against the cunning but brilliant Barbossa. The Mummy has Imhotep, whose looming presence can be felt even when he’s not physically on screen. Jungle Cruise misses the mark big time here on writing villains – none of them pose a threat, where real consequences come from their actions.

Even at a Technical Level…

Jungle Cruise may be a major blockbuster with a $200 million budget, but somehow, from start to finish, it never looks like it. From the overuse of green screen to the surprisingly mediocre visual effects, the film barely stays afloat on a technical level.

Several set pieces like fist-fighting at a market and outrunning a waterfall are supposed to be exciting, but when the scene cuts too often and relies on shots that are framed way too close, the flow of every scene comes off as clunky. Even a stunt like Blunt balancing on a ladder with no support feels phony because we only get a close-up of her face that cuts to a close-up of the feet of the ladder. Never do we get a wide shot of her balancing the ladder on her own.

These technical issues are prevalent in every action scene: too many close-ups and too many cuts. Add that with a ton of green screen and CGI and the entire movie comes off as bland. It feels as if there is barely anything tangible for the cast to work with. It’s a shame because there are moments where the characters butt heads with each other or the scene sets up an upcoming set-piece with good anticipation and/or tension. There are moments where the film is about to have some fun, and yet, the cinematography or editing would hamper the momentum, and the film would then awkwardly halt in place and just lie there.

Behind all of this is director Jaume Collet-Serra, who proves he is much better off directing small-scale thrillers than he is with tentpole films of this tone and caliber. From The Shallows to all the post-Taken Liam Neeson thrillers, Collet-Serra’s sensibilities do not line up here.

Jungle Cruise: Such a Disappointing Misfire

When two of the most charismatic actors working today have little to no chemistry and are drowned out by a convoluted plot, weak villains, and excessive use of CGI, something is wrong big time. A mediocre movie can be held afloat by a good lead or a good cast, but when the actors look like they don’t care, then there’s nothing you can do.

This is a movie that is, at best, sporadically entertaining. There are moments with potential, but they are badly strung together by a choppy screenplay and a dull plot that borrows too many elements that never gel together. It is a movie on the verge of being fun but never gets there.

Jungle Cruise is far from cringe or embarrassment, and sure, it’s never actively terrible. But the bar shouldn’t be set this low. This is a Disney adventure blockbuster led by Emily Blunt and Dwayne Johnson. We should’ve gotten something better than this. It may not be the worst movie of the year but it’s certainly the most disappointing.

But if my instincts are correct, this is still going to be a big hit, especially with audiences right now seeking something a bit more campy and pulpy. At the end of the day, big tentpole films like Jungle Cruise all come down to money. Good ol’ money. Nothing else matters.

What did you think about Disney’s newest film? Do you agree? Let us know in the comments below!

Jungle Cruise will be released in theaters and on Disney+ July 30th in the United States.

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