JINGLE ALL THE WAY: A Messily Gift-Wrapped Guilty Pleasure
Nothing spreads true Christmas spirit quite like unabashed consumerism, right?
Were Jingle All the Way – a 1996 festive comedy directed by Brian Levant and starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and a bloke called Sinbad – made today, it would likely be marketed as a Black Friday-inspired psychological horror film about a father’s increasingly fractured mental state as he searches desperately for a toy to give his estranged young son. As it is, Jingle All the Way isn’t quite on that level, but it does have mail bombs, one seriously slimy neighbour, and an underground crime syndicate of Santas.
Big Guys Doing Silly Things
Nowadays, genre stars jumping across the cinematic pond from gritty action film to hearty family comedy is far from abnormal. In 2006, Vin Diesel swapped his street racing responsibilities for babysitting ones in The Pacifier; 2003 saw Bruce Willis lend his husky voice to Rugrats Go Wild; and even Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – whose muscles alone are a pretty powerful marketing tool – once skipped chest day to dress up as the Tooth Fairy.
But before all of that, it was the turn of the original Terminator to dip his bicep in something a bit lighter. Of course, by 1996, Arnie was no stranger to such circles, having popped up as Detective John Kimble in the bathroom-less Kindergarten Cop and, before that, opposite Danny DeVito in the 1988 film Twins.
Festive Frivolity
But, it was Levant’s film that allowed the future Governor of California to get all festive on us as he roamed crowded city streets and packed shopping malls on Christmas Eve, hunting for a Turbo Man action figure – a character based on a fictional popular children’s television series that looks an awful lot like Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
There’s a problem, however. The gift he so foolishly assured his wife he’d bought their son weeks ago is now sold out everywhere. To make matters worse, a mailman with one serious chip on his shoulder is hell-bent on getting his mitts on the very same toy. You don’t have to be one of the Wise Men to see where this holiday heavyweight is headed. Cue a queue of set-pieces lathered generously in thick physical comedy, dusted with instantly quotable dialogue, conflicting messaging, some REALLY good cookies, and all manner of quintessential ‘90s stuff to get you feeling all nostalgic – think K’Nex; character-themed cereal; and little Jake Lloyd from Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace.
More Than A Little Out Of Tune
Speaking with a pointy critic’s hat on, Jingle All the Way is a cringy, predictable mess. The plot plods along as though it’s being made up there and then; lengthy sections feel awfully misjudged (a life of alcoholism and disappointment await children who don’t get the Christmas present they want, apparently); the blend of slapstick and satire is anything but smooth; and the performances are served to us either fiercely over-cooked, or soggily under-baked.
But, this is December, and the critic’s hat has now been replaced with the warm, fuzzy Christmas one. As such, the nonsensical nonsense that permeates Levant’s film suddenly becomes joyously nonsensical nonsense. Just like the Turbo Man doll itself, Jingle All the Way is enjoyably cheap, tacky tat that holds just about enough of its tongue in its cheek – the neat irony of an action star running around after an action doll isn’t lost on us – to get away with it. If you can believe Arnold Schwarzenegger as a work-obsessed mattress salesman, then you’ll have little trouble getting on board with pretty much everything else that follows.
Jingle All the Way: Conclusion
During one scene, Arnie’s Howard Langston recalls the time he built his son his very own clubhouse from scratch. The doors were crooked, and the roof didn’t sit straight at all. And yet his face lit up all the same.
In a nutshell, that’s pretty much Jingle All the Way. It’s bad. We know it is. But it’s an annoyingly catchy little jingle that still makes us smile over a decade on.
Does Jingle All the Way get you feeling all festive? What lengths would you go to buy a Turbo Man doll? Let us know in the comments below!
Jingle All the Way was released November 22nd (U.S.) and December 6th (UK) in 1996. For more details on the film, click here.
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x54g2qn
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