GREYHOUND: No Wind In Its Sails

Ah, war and cinema. The thrills, the camaraderie, the literal life-and-death drama of it all make the two go together like peanut butter and jelly, but that also means there’s hardly any aspect of it left unexplored. That goes twice for the well-trod horror of World War II and thrice for Tom Hanks, whose fascination with military history has led to innumerable acting and producing gigs about American wars. He’s done grizzled pros putting their heads down and getting the job done. He’s done sprawling stories of large groups banding together. He’s done individual journeys through the madness. And now he’s doing… a grizzled rookie leading an entire convoy through the madness.

See, it’s sort of different, but also not different at all. It’s what Hanks likes to do, though, and we all like to watch Tom Hanks do anything. And with a quick pivot to releasing on Apple TV+ after the theatrical market fell apart (making it the most high profile acquisition to date for the fledgling streamer), plenty of people will plunk down to watch him battle the Axis powers yet again.

Most, though, will regret the decision. And that’s not because Greyhound is bad per se (it’s competent in the way reverent, well-versed filmmakers churn out movies like this), but because there’s a pervasive feeling of having been here and done this is far more impressive ways.

Old-Fashioned Heroism

Hanks, who penned the script for Greyhound in addition to starring, clearly knew what he was going for with this tale of late in life opportunity. I imagine him sitting at one of his beloved typewriters, clacking away to get in the lo-fi mood of a career naval man finally given the captaincy more out of necessity than skill. It’s an unceremonious promotion, and it comes with a steep learning curve.

There’s a huge supply chain to maintain, and there are German submarines (groups of which are the titular greyhounds) constantly trying to break it. The decent if the potentially underwhelming captain will either get the job done or get a lot of people killed, and he’s not exactly graceful about handling that pressure.

The hallmarks of this being a throwback to stories of uncomplicated, good men are evident from square one. The only time we see Captain Krause off the ship is in the opening scene, where he meets with an appropriately-aged woman to exchange gifts and politely ask for her hand in marriage. She turns him down without breaking the relationship, simply stating that he should make it through the war first. The music swells as the noble, responsible gauntlet is laid down, and the rest of the movie sees Krause sweating through his first Atlantic crossing.

Whittling war down to this, to good men trying to do a good job, is the kind of fluffy take pro-war American films have been doing for decades. Krause fits the outline of these kinds of men to a T: religious, respectful, concerned with the men under his command. And the film, which avoids graphic bloodshed thanks to its nautical setting, never brings up any of the uncomfortable questions surrounding the war.

With such a softball take, there’s nothing to distract from the scaffolding of the story. You see the good man. You see the obstacle. You see him strive to overcome it. The end, go home. You never want to feel the story beats as much as you do in Greyhound, especially since we’ve all heard this story a million times before. But Hanks isn’t nearly the screenwriter he is the actor, where he can bring nuances that elevate the most pedestrian scripts. He gave himself a textbook pedestrian script in Greyhound, and neither he nor director Aaron Schneider seemed to recognize how much needed to be added to it.

Battles That Fizzle

But it’s a war movie, right? There are firefights and maneuvering and life-and-death decisions at every turn! Surely the adrenaline of those situations would buoy a lackluster plot?

Normally it would, except Greyhound gets so lost in the weeds of protocol that it drains every bit of potential thrills. The routine of military service is meant to calm nerves so you can get the job done in the most trying of times, and Hanks and Schneider seem determined to capture that in Greyhound. Every encounter with a sub involves coordinates and orders being relayed ad nauseam, which yes, could be fashioned into high drama (see Das Boot). But that requires time to familiarize the audience with the procedures and the nuances of the individual officers so we understand what is happening and when things are going wrong. Das Boot is 150 minutes long. Greyhound is 91 minutes. They simply don’t put in the time to get the audience up to speed, so they can shout positions and execute impressive maneuvers all they want, but I for one still had no clue what was going on.

Obviously, if the jargon is too thick to figure out whether they’re in real danger or not, nothing is going to put you at the edge of your seat. Hanks and co-star Stephen Graham are the only two cast members capable of delivering nuanced amounts of sweat, but that isn’t enough to really get your blood pumping. For the most part, Greyhound passes by as a monotonous series of skirmishes that never feel that threatening, even when boats are exploding around them.

Conclusion: Greyhound

What was intended to be a rousing ode to noble military men of old downplays war too much, turning a tough Atlantic crossing into a snoozefest with the occasional explosion. It’s all too obvious and done with zero depth, so despite there not being anything glaringly wrong with Greyhound, there’s also nothing here to recommend.

What did you think of Greyhound? Did any of it grab your attention? Let us know in the comments below!

Greyhound is available to stream on Apple TV+ as of July 10th, 2020.

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