FLAT EARTH: Peak Fun For Me, A 12-Year-Old Aspiring YouTuber

When I heard that Logan Motherflipping Paul was making a Flat Earth documentary I dabbed so hard I nearly threw my back out.

What an absolute. Freaking. SAVAGE.

I mean, the transition to feature-length documentaries was inevitable. My big brother who is a freaking nerd once quoted William Faulkner saying that all novelists are failed poets. I told him that all “directors” are just wannabe vloggers and I floss-danced until he got out of my freaking room. (BTW Logan–Idk if ur reading this but I dont mean to call you a wannabe vlogger. I think ur the best at vlogs but ur a maverick who always looks for another challenge).

My brother says that Flat Earth is basically just an extra-long vlog whose muddled, underwritten story and tendency to punch down might be forgivable if the jokes were funny, the acting was passable, or if Logan’s Earth-sized ego allowed him to focus on a subject other than himself.

Unlike some people I actually get Logan, so I can recognize it as an epic blend of genres by the most savage prankster on the internet, and probably the most lit video since Logan stole his brother Jake’s merch truck and crashed it into a redwood tree (Its my favorite b/c it was posted on my birthday lol)

You Don’t Need Good Writing When You’re Freaking LIT

Basically, Logan discovers that his roommate Mike is a Flat Earther. Although initially skeptical, he is persuaded by Mike to attended an international Flat Earth conference held in Denver. He meets a bunch of people in the Flat Earth community, including a totally FOINE Australian babe who steals his heart and finally gets him to convert to Flat Eartherism. And THEN Logan reveals that the whole movie was a freaking prank.

I should start by saying that, yeah, I got tricked by this movie. Logan freaking tricked me!

My brother didn’t get tricked. He says that the movie failed early on at effectively establishing a believable premise. According to him, even if the audience understands that the premise of the movie is fake, they need to think that the characters believe what they are saying. Just like in What We Do In The Shadows–everyone who watches that movie knows vampires aren’t real, but the movie is compelling and funny because it shows how they probably would act if the doldrums of immortality left them stranded in a dull, middle-class existence in suburban New Zealand.
(I tried watching What We Do In The Shadows and it was freaking boring. I didn’t want to but I lost to my borther in rock paper scissors and he said if I didnt watch it he’d noogie my freaking eyebrows off)

In Flat Earth, Mike is wholly unbelievable as an ardent Flat Earther, and Logan can’t seem to sell his initial shock or his slow conversion. Unsurprisingly, neither of them are competent actors, but that could have been mitigated if they gave slightly more attention to the script. In two separate conversations, Mike asks Logan to his face, “Hey do you ever think the Earth is flat?” and Logan shrugs it off. It’s only when Mike goes on a midnight rampage, smashing every globe in the house with a crowbar, that Logan asks him “Hey dude…are you a flat Earther?”

(BTW Logan–In case you are reading this I PROMISE I didn’t want to write that but my brother said I had to or else I couldn’t borrow his laptop)

I think my brother is wrong, but I sort of agree with him a little bit, because in Logan’s “I pretend to be Jake Paul for a day” video they shot Evan into space and there was actual footage of him floating past the moon so they should have known that planets were real except maybe they forgot. Also I stole my brother’s film magazine and I read that directors have been using nonprofessional actors in leading roles since the Italian freaking Neorealist movement, so having Mike in the movie was actually art.
(I farded in the magazine before I gave it back lol)

Flat Earthers Are Freaks Except For Logan

The one thing my brother and I agree on was that the best parts of the movie took place once Logan and his crew arrived at the Flat Earth conference. It’s full of weirdos and is all around freaking epic.

My brother said Flat Earth could have been a legitimately good documentary if it chose to focus on the actual flat earthers, a rag-tag group of oddballs who seemed to be use flat earth conspiracies as a way to inject meaning and drama into their otherwise sad lives. One woman describes being pulled towards the Flat Earth movement by her late father who she called a “genius” and a “truth-teller”. She doesn’t say so, but it seems as though her devotion to conspiracy theories is a way of maintaining some sort of connection to her lost father. Another man describes himself as having faced some massive rejection from friends, family. After hitting rock bottom, becoming a Flat Earther was his way of being “born again”. For all his flaws as a filmmaker and actor, Logan does have a talent for getting people to open up and reveal themselves in an interview.

…And then he dunks on them like total savage! Logang! Haha!

I said that to my brother but then he freaked out and through a beyblade at my head. I dodged it, but it hit the wall and broke which sucks because the toy store near me closed and mom doesn’t let me use Amazon anymore because I bought a slingshot and didn’t tell her.

(BTW Logan–Since you’re probably reading this can you send me a new slingshot? KSI does free merch giveaways sometimes and it would be cool if you did too)

Logan Is “Egocentric”, Or Why My Brother Is A Hater

My brother says it doesn’t matter that Logan is crazy and lit all the time. He says that, even though Logan does a good job of getting people to talk, Logan’s too self-centered to let them keep talking, which is a critical flaw in anyone trying to make a documentary (or mockumentary). Whenever his interviewee starts to say something interesting, Logan compulsively draws the attention back to himself with a slapstick-y pratfall or a bad joke about masturbation. It’s this obsessive egoism that keeps the movie from ever getting interesting.

(BTW Logan–I just remembered that KSI is your enemy so sorry for watching his videos sometimes. I promise I always close them with at least 10 seconds left so it doesn’t add to the view count)

For being a freaking annoying nerd my brother is super dumb sometimes. Logan doesn’t have a big ego. That’s why he makes jokes about crying in the shower and having a tiny dick. Why would Logan make jokes about crying in the shower or having a tiny dick if he had a big ego? He’s clearly an epic, chill dude who, like me, sometimes feels self-conscious about playing shirts vs skins basketball.

After I said that my brother got really mad. He held me down by the shoulders and dribbled a loogie over my face while saying that those “jokes” are simply the performance of self-doubt by a person who has none. For God’s sake, he literally refers to himself as “the all-knowing and error-free Logan Paul”, and convinces the people at the Flat Earth conference to let him give the keynote address. What kind of warped, gargantuan sense of self do you need to have to justify gaining the trust of a downtrodden group of people purely to publicly humiliate them?
(He told me he’d let me go if I said “uncle” but I just yelled YEET instead. Im a savage too LOL)

In Conclusion: Logan Is A Freaking Savage

Personally, I’m glad that Logan chose to focus on himself. I bet no else at the conference ever punched their way through the world’s biggest pumpkin! (Don’t watch that video unless you’re sitting in a chair. Its too lit and you might lose your balance)

My brother will probably say that, despite Logan having some good ideas, his pathological narcissism will always hold him back if he wants to create art. However, I know the truth:

Logan is a freaking no-fear savage and if the Academy of Motion Pictures was run by people like me–a socially maladroit 12-year-old YouTuber–then he would totally win the Oscar for this movie.

(BTW Logan–I know you are reading this. Maybe you can be my big bro instead? Say we’re bros! Say it! On three! One…two..WE’RE BROS!…why didn’t you say it?)