Fake Stories, Real Reviews: SKYSCRAPER

The following is a FICTITIOUS account of a FICTITIOUS viewing party I was invited to by The Rock for his new movie, Skyscraper. The FICTITIOUS viewing party coincided with one of the monthly meetings of the FICTITIOUS Action Hero Club. In other words, none of this happened, but let’s pretend it did, OK?

***

The Rock opens the door to his house.

The Rock: You must be the guy from Film Inquiry.

John Mark Junkins: That’s me.

The Rock: Great! Come in! Come in! Sly, JC, Sigourney, and Arnie are already here.

Me: Something smells fantastic.

The Rock: Hey thanks! I’m cooking something I call The People’s Favorite.

We enter the kitchen. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sigourney Weaver, Sylvester Stallone, and Jean-Claude Van Damme are all hovering around the kitchen island, munching on finger foods. We exchange pleasantries and chat for a few minutes.

Me: So who usually attends these things?

The Rock: Uh, let’s see. The five of us are regulars. Cruise too, but he’s running a little late tonight. Lots of people kind of come and go though.

Sly: Willis, Statham, Jackie, Jet, Milla, and Dolph have all been off and on over the years. Liam’s taken an interest in attending more regularly recently, Keanu and Denzel too.

Sigourney: Will Smith came before he had kids. Snipes until the…well, the whole tax evasion thing.

Me: What about Daniel Craig?

Arnie: The Bonds have their own thing. Think they’re better than us with their poker nights and tuxes and martinis and their pretty faces… If you ask me, they’re actually pretty ugly motherfu—

Cut to the Bonds sitting around a table, cards in hand, putting on their best poker faces. The tension is palpable. 

Craig: ….Go fish.

Connery: Dammit to hell!

Brosnan: I say, chaps, anyone need another Coors? I love these new bean bag chairs by the way, Timmy.

Back to The Rock’s house.

Me: Hmmm. I guess I thought there would be more of you.

The Rock: Well, we just straight up don’t invite Busey and Seagal anymore. We used to, but you tend to reach a breaking point with Gary. And Steve always wanted to show us new sword tricks he learned. It gets to be a bit much. In fact, we wouldn’t have invited you to attend and write your piece for fear that they would see it and realize we still have these get-togethers, but we’re almost positive neither of them are aware of the internet.

Cut to a Panda Express parking lot where Gary Busey and Steven Seagal are eating their drive thru Chinese food.

Busey: How ‘bout this?! Information Nanobytes Traversing Earth Rapidly While Everyone Breathes. We’ll call it: the InterWeb!

Seagal: (examining his food, not listening to Gary) Wait, I thought you said this place had sushi!

Back to The Rock’s house.

Me: Where’s Harrison?

Sigourney: He used to be a regular. The two of us would usually alternate hosting. He hasn’t been in years though.

JC: He showed up again about five years ago. Took one look at the room and said, “No reward is worth this.” We haven’t seen him since.

Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker (Jackie’s plus-one) arrive. Tom Cruise shows up a few minutes later. He’s sweaty and in running gear. 

Cruise: Hey! Nice to meet you, John Mark! Glad you’re here! I think you’ll get a great piece out of this! Great piece! Dwayne, I’m gonna hit the shower and then we can start, OK? Again, fan-tastic to meet you!

Everyone gathers around the TV in the den.

Arnie: Hold on; don’t start yet. I have to go to the restroom, but…. I’ll be back.

Sylvester Stallone erupts with laughter. Everyone else shakes their heads in disappointment.

Bruce: Anybody need anything from the kitchen?

No one responds as Bruce gets up and heads into the kitchen.

JC: So tell me, Jean-Marc, how long have you been writing movie reviews?

Me: Oh, not long. Some blog stuff here and there, but I guess you could say this is my first real one.

JC: I considered being a movie critic at one point, but the way the studios lobby for positive reviews seems like an awfully bloody sport to me. I don’t want to end up a hired soldier for Universal or anybody.

Me: That’s an extremely specific and odd way to phrase it, but I see what you mean.

The Rock: OK, pipe down, candy-asses! Arnie, hit play.

Arnie: It’s showtime!

We watch Skyscraper. (Mild SPOILERS below!)

The Rock: Sooooo? What do you guys think?

There is a pregnant pause.

Everyone at once: It’s great! I really enjoyed it! Wonderful! It’s fun! I’m happy for you!

Another pause.

Statham: But… You know I actually think it’s one of the few films that would be better in 3D.

The Rock: See? I told you guys! But noooo, you didn’t want to wear the glasses. My TV has 3D. Do you want to run it back and see?

Everyone at once: Nah, that’s fine! I’ve got a thing after! Gotta get back to the kids! Dinner plans, sorry!

A third pause.

Sly: I have a question: Why did the top of the building have a house of mirrors area?

Sigourney: Yeah, that did seem odd. I don’t think it was ever explained. Did Zhao’s character like funhouse mirror mazes or something? Or did the writer just really want to include a set piece like that and simply forced it into the climatic sequence.

Jet: I’m guessing the latter…

Chris Tucker: And why did the Reginald VelJohnson rip-off character act like he knew you at the end? Y’all didn’t even talk to each other and he had barely even met your wife!

Dolph: You’re right! That guy was basically just Sgt. Powell from Die Hard!

Arnie: Why did no one yell “Get to the choppa!” when you had a choppa that people were trying to get to?

Everyone ignores this critique.

JC: The stakes seemed a bit off. Sure, your family was in the building, but Neve’s character and your son make it out very quickly. And no one ever thought your daughter was really in danger. Hell, Zhao even made it out!

Sly: Yeah, I mean once you get in the building, nothing really happens except that you push a couple of guys to their death and have bro-time with Zhao.

The Rock: Wow, deep cuts, guys. Deep cuts, but I appreciate it. Just like I appreciate the fact this thing is going to kill overseas. Better luck to me next time on the “good movie” part I suppose. Seriously though, does anyone have anything positive to say?

Jackie: The crane jump was pretty cool. Great fight at the beginning with your friend too. Actually, everything before you jump into the building was the better than anything after you landed the jump.

Everyone at once: Yeah… He’s got a point actually. Agreed! I thought so too!

Cruise: Let me ask you this, Dwayne. How high up were you when you had to dangle from that rope by your prosthetic leg?

The Rock: Hmmm. I don’t know, like, 10-15 feet?

Cruise looks extremely confused.

Cruise: Come on, you were much higher than that when you jumped from the crane. That must have been a rush!

Chris Tucker: Tom, you realize that was all CGI, right? He wasn’t actually hanging from a 200-plus-story, fictitious building. Most people don’t actually hang off of skyscrapers, dangle from helicopters, or latch themselves to planes while they’re flying.

Cruise: But how did he get to activation panel behind the spinning turbine blades, then?

Now everyone else looks confused. Someone murmurs, “He knows the prosthetic leg was fake too, right?”

The Rock: If Mr. I Do All My Own Stunts and Don’t Age is finished, I’d like to hear what Mr. Film Critic has to say.

Me: You guys covered most of my exact thoughts already actually, but I’ll add a few things.

Rock, you have a unique ability to appeal to wide audiences. You can do ridiculous action movies like the Fast franchise just as easily as fun, family films like Jumanji – that movie was a pleasant surprise, by the way. The only thing you’re really missing in your filmography is a dark or serious film, a la Logan or Unforgiven. This felt like a half-hearted step in that direction; it still had that kids movie sparkle to it. Go full John Wick next time.

Kudos for doing an original film that’s not based on existing IP of any kind – although it’s hard to not make the obvious Die Hard comparisons when “the Pearl” is basically the lovechild of Nakatomi Plaza and the Towering Inferno. Unfortunately, Skyscraper is ultimately forgettable. Like… I’ve already forgotten large chunks of it. Basically everything everyone said earlier is all I remember. But don’t worry; I’ll be right there on the front row for Hobbs & Shaw next year though!

The Rock thanks us all for our candidness and criticism because he’s the nicest guy in the world. People hang around for a while chatting and drinking. Arnold and Dolph arm-wrestle – someone tells me it happens at every gathering. Eventually, everyone begins grabbing their things and making their way towards to the door.

Arnie: Hey, John Mark! It was very ice to meet you!

Statham: OK, big guy. Crank down the puns a few notches – and the drinks next time. Let me transport you home.

Sly: Yo, Rock. Thanks for letting me borrow your laundry detergent. I owe ya one.

The Rock: (in a sing-song voice) What can I say except, “You’re welcome for the tide-“

Sly: –I think it was Gain, but yeah, thanks all the same.

I notice Bruce Willis is still sitting in the den. He hasn’t moved since we all got up after watching the movie.

Me: Mr. Willis? You OK? I think everyone is leaving.

JC: Who are you talking to, Jean-Marc?

Me: Bruce. He hasn’t moved since we left the den.

I motion to Bruce Willis, who is still sitting in the same position, staring at the TV.

JC: (laughter) Ah ha! Good one, Jean-Marc! Bruce hasn’t been to one of our meetings in two or three years. I haven’t heard from him at all actually. Come on, I’ll walk out with you.

Jean-Claude Van Damme leaves the room and heads toward the door.

Me: What was all that about?

Bruce: He can’t see me, kid. I’m dead. I’ve been dead this whole time.

Me: What?! Like in–?

Bruce: Yeah, exactly like that. Didn’t you notice no one responded when I asked if they wanted anything from the kitchen?

Me: I dunno; I wasn’t looking for it I guess. This seems really cliché and predictable in hindsight though.

Bruce: Eh, I may be dead, but I still like to come out to the coast, get together, and have a few laughs, you know?

Tom Cruise, having forgotten his keys, re-enters the room.

Tom: John Mark, it was so great to meet you! So great! I can’t wait to read the review! I’m sure it’s going to be great! I may need to have you out to my place for the Fallout watch party!

Me: I’d love that.

Tom: Fantastic! Can’t wait! Hey, Bruce. You need a ride?

THE END

 

If you could attend a hypothetical watch party for Skyscraper along with the biggest action heroes of the last several decades, what comments, compliments, or critiques would you offer The Rock?