THE EMOJI MOVIE: Why, Hollywood?

In 1942, Humphrey Bogart told Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca – a film continually regarded as one of the greatest films of all time – “we’ll always have Paris.” Quickly becoming one of the most iconic movie quotes of all time, from a cinematic moment seemingly immortalized in the very veins of Hollywood, it captured the heart, soul and minds of millions. Even today, some 75 years later, it is held as the pinnacle of cinema, preserved in history and always considered with fondness.

75 years later, in a film likely to be relegated to the very pits of that very same list, a ‘Meh’ emoji says to another ‘Meh’ emoji, “we’ll always have Paris.” At that very moment, my life flashed before my eyes and I openly wept for cinema and humanity.

The Emoji Movie was always destined to be a poorly-received film. Even before its release, and as early as its initial announcement, it was the brunt of endless think-pieces, extensive scrutiny and continual complaints that Hollywood had well and truly run out of ideas. Should a decent film have actually emerged, I doubt many would have admitted it. It got to the stage where the potential of actually admitting you liked The Emoji Movie sent shivers down the spines of potential reviewers.

When the first wave of reviews starting pouring in, I held my breath with skepticism. Even when it stood with an catastrophic 0% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I remained unconvinced of its authenticity: would a well-respected critic actually admit they liked The Emoji Movie? Or even that they found it redeemable? Would anyone throw their hands in the air and declare that, really, it is not too shabby? It was part of the reason I signed up to review it for Film Inquiry: I needed an excuse to see it for myself, to really make a judgment call and avoid being swept up with the bandwagon hate and unfair rulings.

But, I can honestly say – hand on heart…

It really is that dreadful

Disney (and the subsidiary Pixar branch) and Illumination Entertainment own the animation cake and are stuffing it in, with little more than crumbs left for everyone else. Sony Pictures clearly wanted a more hearty slice of the pie and so The Emoji Movie was born. I mean, it was the only logical step after Pixar humanized our toys/emotions and Illumination personified our pets, right? Smartphones had to be the next step, right? I really wish it wasn’t, but this seems to be the place Hollywood has wound up – I guess The Angry Bird Movie was the first sign.

The Emoji Movie tries so hard to be an amalgamation of Inside Out and, to a lesser extent, last year’s The Secret Life of Pets. It strives to say something as profound as the Pixar releases, with the fluffiness of the latter, but it fails to stick any landing. At a very, very early stage into the film, we are teased with a promising parable: a coming-out story of sorts, the questioning of difference, normality and alienation during your adolescent years. Can you imagine that: an animation tenderly dealing with difference (be that LGBT+ issues, behavioral disorders, genetic problems or otherwise) and acceptance? It could be revolutionary. However, after passing the five minute mark, all of that disintegrates, with no trace remaining of the sophisticated parallels it begins to evoke.

Blaming the script is the easy route to take and you would definitely be justified in doing so. Tony Leondis (who takes directorial reigns) and Eric Siegel’s story, with Mike White chipping in for the screenplay, abandons any positive momentum from a half-optimistic opening five minutes for the more cynical, predictably depressing route. Lazily and shamelessly indulging in corporate propaganda and sponsorship over anything of actual substance, they deliver the exact movie audiences feared and objected to. What makes it worse is that you can very briefly see the outlines of a more plentiful opportunity to educate and entertain audiences across the globe.

I’d call it a missed opportunity, but who are we kidding? While the script undeniably compounds every issue, the initial premise was dead on arrival. Traveling across a smartphone to initiate a reboot? It felt like the easy way out: the simple option that feeds into the cynical cash-grab the film was immediately deemed as. The film is about emojis and it never overcomes that hurdle, stumbling from the offset.

In between the endless app promotions, everything is structured on insidious, questionable foundations that continually runs the risks of harming young minds with the notion and suggestion that emojis are the only form of communication. “It’s a film, Nathan!” you may be thinking right now – but seeing the film approach its impressionable target audience with such a problematic stance is disheartening as hell.

Astounding for all the wrong reasons

It doesn’t help either that, when the film isn’t informing audiences that emojis are the only form of communication, or overwhelming the senses with every single color on the spectrum, it is an absolute bore. Seriously sluggish, even at a relatively short 86 minutes, it still finds time to provide sequences null and void of plot, character, excitement, meaningfulness or spirit. I’m surprised I lasted the whole thing, because a relatively short runtime felt like an eternity; how can a feature-length film clocking in under an hour and a half not operate more effectively than this? It’s astounding.

The Emoji Movie’s animation leaves a lot to be desired, too. As technology has developed, the boundaries for animation have been pushed and innovation has been clear to see – something The Emoji Movie completely lacks. Admittedly, it is operating on a far tighter budget than many of the bigger, more established animators have access too – but there’s no excuse for throwing garish, gaudy colors at the screen, calling it animation and hoping it overpowers the weak narrative and sticks. Be it the Just Dance set piece or the Candy Crush sequence, it all blends into one nauseating mess, and Leondis has next-to-no understanding of what constitutes a successful, visually-appealing animation.

Oh, and on the topic of nauseating mess, the poor, poor cast must be feeling pretty sick with embarrassment. ‘Meh’ pretty much sums up the entire bunch, from TJ Miller’s central emotion to Anna Faris‘ Jailbreaker, a ‘rebel’ computer genius ultimately relegated to love interest as the film progresses. Maya Rudolph’s Smiler is as intimidating as a frosting-covered turd – speaking of which, they were either coughing up some extortionate money for Patrick Stewart or he was high as a kite when he accepted a literally sh*tty role. In a disastrous, potentially career-shattering moment, he chants “we’re number two, we’re number two!” – and it wasn’t even the worst line of the movie, shockingly.

I’ve seen enough of both Rudolph and particularly Stewart to know that they are far superior to this tosh and I pray they will recover from this unmitigated disaster. Their agent(s) must really hate them for involving themselves in this.

A nauseating mess

But no one – absolutely no on – comes out of this worse than James Corden. Here’s the thing: I like the man. Gavin & Stacey is incredible British comedy and I like his late night-hosting shtick. But my God, no no no no no. His performance as Hi-5 may just be the worst voiceover performance I have ever witnessed; the voice acting equivalent of nails on a chalkboard, balls through broken glass, obnoxiously loud food crewing. It is hideous – absolutely horrendous. At one stage, he says “hashtag blessed” and fist bumps, and I literally wanted to die right there and then.

The problem with the online bubble – ‘Film Twitter’, if you will – is that you don’t really get an idea of what is being magnified and amplified, what a genuine consensus is or how the ‘real-life’ public is reacting to something. As mentioned, I was skeptical of critics in this case and was determined to give it the benefit of the doubt for myself. When I headed in to an almost sold-out screening of The Emoji Movie, I was taken aback at how the ‘Rotten Tomatoes effect’ (which has supposedly come into greater and greater effect this summer) was ignored by the average consumer after some family-friendly fun.

But, the general deflation and subdued atmosphere during the film, and even as the credits rolled, demonstrated something: even the kids, the intended target audience, are smarter than this garbage. It was a bitter air, as the audiences duped into giving their time and money to this picture left the cinema, treading over a sprinkling of popcorn, empty drink bottles and my lifeless body, sprawled out on the floor, crying because cinema/animation/Hollywood had reached such a depressive state.

The Emoji Movie: The Donald Trump of animated films

People had it in for The Emoji Movie from its inception; the signs were evident from the very start. This would be a difficult one to love; a very easy one to hate, or loathe, and endlessly slander. But the cynical, painful and dispiriting cinematic experience delivered to us in the form of The Emoji Movie deserves the brunt of our wrath. It showcases everything wrong with Hollywood: a willingness to make a film out of absolutely anything, without care or attention and in the most shamelessly, cash-grabbing way.

The Donald Trump of animation, The Emoji Movie must be avoided at all costs if you want your sanity, love of cinema and joy to remain intact.

Did you hate The Emoji Movie as much as I did? Is it your least favorite film of the year so far? Surprisingly, it’s second-to-last for me!

The Emoji Movie is out now in the UK and the US. Check here for full list of release dates.