ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING: What A Waste

Absolutely Anything is a comedy co-written and directed by Terry Jones, he of illustrious Monty Python fame. It stars Simon Pegg and a host of other recognisable British talent and comics. In addition to this, Jones’ fellow Pythons offer their vocal talents, as does the late, great Robin Williams. All this you would think would mean the film would be a rollicking comedic success. But I’ve seen this industry standard before. A comedy? Released in August to little fanfare? Packed to the rafters with talented people? Strange as it may seem, there was only one thing this was going to be: a silly, vacuous disappointment.

Doomed Foundations

You might wonder why someone would go to see a film they believed was doomed for failure; well, I’m a curious sort. I knew that the comic talent would try hard, but also that the film would fall down when it came to scripting. The story of Absolutely Anything is as follows: a superior alien race has got wind of our existence and has decided to terminate Earth. But they decide to give us one last ditch attempt to prove ourselves. They do this by giving one human (Neil) the power to do absolutely anything. What that human does with his power will ultimately define whether we are good or bad, and at all worth sparing.

On this premise the film doesn’t sound half bad; it puts you in the mind of such films as The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy or Bruce Almighty. But it’s not the premise that lets the film down, it’s the script. Which, although perfectly functional and well-structured, is also just not very interesting or funny. It’s silly, but not surreal or sharply observed Python silliness, or stupid silliness. I spent much of the film waiting for the big gag, but it never came. Neil just runs around, making stupid decisions, getting into stupid situations, and I was beyond caring what happened to the earth by the end of the film.

source: Lions Gate Entertainment

A tried and tested idea like this you would think would make even the more unimaginative person create a dazzling storyline. But the film is so keen on stressing the humour in decisions taken literally (having dinner with the dog, seeing someone from downstairs etc.) that it makes too much sense, and its potential for comedy is just thrown out the door. It sort of felt like a really good episode from some middle-of-the-road comedy series. It’s probably worth stressing at this point that while Terry Jones was good at organising the Pythons, he was never their most creative and talented member.

A Waste Of Comic Talent

While the script doesn’t have much going for it, the film just about stays afloat on the tide of British comic talent. Simon Pegg plays Neil, the earthling gifted with this absolute power. Pegg is always hugely enjoyable to watch and it’s a real shame that he’s not very funny in this. Not because he didn’t try, but because he didn’t have anything to work with.

The same could be said of the rest of the cast. The comic talents of Meera Syal and Sanjeev Bhaskar (Goodness Gracious Me) are ridiculously ignored, Robert Bathurst (Cold Feet) and Joanna Lumley (Absolutely Fabulous) are underused stereotypes, and Kate Beckinsale? Why is she there? She is a mature, very beautiful woman, so are we supposed to believe she would still be single and working at some bottom tier media job that she hates? Talk about miscasting.

Eddie Izzard narrowly nails his role as Neil’s headteacher. But Robin Williams is truly wasted; his role as Neil’s dog Dennis is ridiculously underdeveloped. There was the potential for such great humour; but once again in the film’s effort to be literal, the comedy is lost, and one of Williams’ final roles is a great wash-out. The whole film, frankly, speaks out a group of very talented people who all jumped on a band wagon being drawn by a Python.

The Nail In The Coffin

This film’s saving grace is that it would have been good for kids. The story is uncomplicated, the jokes are simple, and the actors are ones they would recognise. That is, if it wasn’t for a small number of inappropriate jokes. They’re jokes that were written in the seventies, but certainly never by the Pythons. They are a bit sexist and racist, and they make me grumpy. I thought we’d come further than that. In a film which stars Sanjeev Bhaskar and Meera Syal, two of the performers behind the sharply observed ‘Go For An English‘ sketch, I demanded something better.

source: Lions Gate Entertainment

Conclusion

To be fair, I saw Absolutely Anything coming, and I knew what it was going to be. I didn’t expect it to be a comic masterpiece, but that doesn’t mean that I’m still not disappointed. This disappointment stems from the fact that this film stars some great British talent, some incredibly funny people that aren’t necessarily popular outside of the UK. When people who are unaware of their work see this, they will not be seeing them at their best, and that makes me mad.

Absolutely Anything will be a waste of your time, seriously. So may I suggest that instead you delight in some of the fantastic British comedy shows that these underused talents spring from: Simon Pegg in Spaced, Sanjeev Bhaskar & Meera Syal in Goodness Gracious Me, the Pythons in (unsurprisingly) Monty Python’s Flying Circus, and Eddie Izzard in one of his stage shows, Unrepeatable being my particular favourite. There’s also Robert Bathurst in Cold Feet and Joanna Lumley in her career defining role as Patsy in Absolutely Fabulous. Maybe you could also revisit Mork & Mindy, why not?

I don’t want to show off but we Brits do comedy well, and I know a lot of you agree. So don’t waste your time on Absolutely Anything, because you deserve something better. In fact, you deserve absolutely anything else. (Apologies, but the only fun I was going to get out of this film is this pun.)

Hopefully you haven’t seen Absolutely Anything. But if you did, let me know what your thoughts were?

(top image source: Lionsgate Entertainment)