The 2019 Award Season Awards

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the inaugural 2019 Awards Show Awards. Together, we’ll recap the highs and lows (and lord knows there were some lows) of the year that was Hollywood patting itself on the back.

Without further ado, let’s get right to the awards. As always, we’d appreciate it if winners could keep their acceptance speeches short. Looking at you, Christian Bale.

Spoiler Alert: There’s about to be a lot of Bohemian Rhapsody bashing.

Best Host Monologue Winner: Aubrey Plaza

Sorry every other awards show, the traditional powerhouse brought home the hardware again. The Independent Spirit Awards continues a rich history of incredible monologues, most notably John Mulaney and Nick Kroll the past two years.

Megan Mullally was pretty solid at the SAG Awards, but played it a little safe – it ended up feeling like a late night headlines roundup. In the end, Aubrey Plaza was always going to be tough to beat because, in a world where everything takes itself too seriously, she has the unique ability to not care at all and be great.

Best Host Overall Winner: Nobody

The Oscars proved this year that we don’t need a host. Let’s keep the show moving, people. One can only hope they go hostless again next year instead of parading out James Corden. But that’s a conversation for another day.

“Where Is Kanye When You Need Him?” Winner: Bohemian Rhapsody At The Golden Globes

This was a no brainer. If you want to make the argument Rami Malek deserved best actor, that’s something you can argue with some degree of merit. You cannot, however, argue that an historically inaccurate film, skirting around the true essence of the man it’s about and boasting a putrid a 61% on Rotten Tomatoes is the best drama of the year. You’d have a better time arguing it was in the wrong category (see: Comedy or MUSICAL).

We need Kanye West himself to run up on stage, grab the Golden Globe, possibly smash it on the ground, and yell, “I’ma let you finish, but A Star Is Born was the best movie about a musician this year.”

Biggest WTF Moment Winner: Bohemian Rhapsody Wins Best Editing At The Oscars

Don’t go far, Bohemian Rhapsody cast and crew. We need you back on stage. Many people have seen this clip on Twitter. It takes four cuts to show a guy grabbing a chair and sitting down. Nobody else had a shot at this.

Honorable Mention: Roma getting screwed out of best sound mixing. Not enough people saw it in theaters to appreciate it. At three different points, I turned around to shush people behind me who weren’t talking. The sound mix was just that good.

Best Self Fellatio Winner: Brian May

Did you hear? Brian May wrote “We Will Rock You.” In case you missed it in the movie about Freddie Mercury. The guitarist turned producer felt the need to specifically call that out while making an historically inaccurate film about his bandmate that makes Mercury look like an asshole for a lot of the film.

He also has decided to complain about how his bad film was treated throughout awards season.

Best Actor to Cut To For A Reaction Shot Winner:  Elsie Fisher

To the dismay of teenage girls, peaches and cinephiles around the world, Timothee Chalamet was unable to retain his title. Elsie Fisher this year brought the charm and innocence of being new to the awards circuit. Any joke about her or Eighth Grade that cut to her was impossible not to enjoy.

Don’t You Dare Cut Her Off Winner:  Olivia Coleman At The Oscars

This was by far, the most endearing speech of the entire awards season. Nobody in the world thought she was going to win after the dominance of Glenn Close, but miracles do happen. The opening “Oooh, it’s genuinely quite stressful.” The use of the word, “snog,” The almost apology to Glenn Close. “This is not going to happen again.” Her Lady Gaga shoutout at the end. It was all too fast and honestly, it should be its own feature film.

And finally, we’ve arrived at the most prestigious award of the night.

Should Have Been The Oscars Winner: The London Film Critics Circle

From the nominations to the winners, nobody did a better job recognizing the best of the best in 2018. Some highlights included Leave No Trace getting a lot of nominations; Richard E. Grant winning Supporting Actor Of The Year, while Daniel Kaluuya was nominated for Widows; Roma winning Film Of The Year, but Cold War winning Foreign Film Of The Year; a stacked Supporting Actress Of The Year category that included Elizabeth Debicki for Widows and Cynthia Erivo for Bad Times at the El Royale.

One final note. We should all be outraged that Paddington 2 got no love all season long. As an industry, we can all do better.

That’s it for the 2019 Award Season Awards, what did you think? What did I miss? What was the biggest snub? What do you think will win next year?